The PPD Chronicles

So I have been avoiding talking about this to anyone for months & I am pretty sure that is exactly what they tell you not to do. I put it off that I had extenuating circumstances and I would a tough cookie that would bounce back in no time.

Um Wrong!

I noticed something was wrong the second we got home from the hospital. I couldn't sleep and I had zero energy. There were more times than I could count that I had to run to the bathroom to hide the random tears from my Husband. Why was I sad? I had a handsome healthy baby boy & I had my Husband for an entire month.

No matter how hard I tried I still couldn't shake it. I realize that there are many different levels of PPD and some way more severe to the point of self harm. Mine isn't like that at all, it is more like a dark cloud over head all the time. No matter how much fun you are having the second you sit the sadness comes back and you find yourself looking off into the distance with tears welling up in your eyes. It is beyond frustrating!

Even with a new happy pill prescription and a mood stabilizer as I like to call it, it doesn't seem any different. It gets worse at night, when no one is around, and the only thing you hear is your thoughts. The thoughts are never happy. By the time my Husband calls I am so worked up that in my mind his voice sounds angry & I can barely hold back tears. This is the same person that I have never missed a phone call from, that just hearing his voice could fix everything. Depression is a wicked & cruel black hole.

Well, whats wrong? 

I have heard this question a lot lately. The answer is nothing. Honestly, I have nothing wrong I can't pinpoint why I feel the tears rise, not being able to sleep, or push through to force a smile. I have zero explanation for it.

The worst part is that people around you get angry because they don't understand. It is hard telling my Husband that I am sad for no reason and that I want to lash out in anger because the voice that once hung the moon now makes me want to cry hysterically.

There is hope!

I have been rest assured it does get better and I will be able to work through it! Might just have to write about it more! I would love to hear about someones experience with postpartum depression and what you did to work through it! Comment below.